Every now and then on these very pages I've flown off the handle to wildly rage against a movie that I feel is unjustly loved by millions, more often than not something born of the Pixar factory, that tireless purveyor of cinematic snake oil, lapped up by eager, gullible fans. And I feel justified in doing this because, after all, this is my space to write in, not yours. If you want to go off on how stupid everyone is in the world, except you, start up a blog. It takes barely a minute and it's free. Seriously, be my guest.
But you know what really gets me fired up? When someone else does the same thing with a movie I love! Don't they know they're stupid? Don't they know they're wrong? Don't they know I'm offended by their post? And if they know this, why'd they do it? I mean, it's me. Do you really want to offend me? Look at me, I'm lovable. I've got the puppy dog eyes and the little pouty mouth and, I mean, come on! I'm adorable, and you owe it to me to like the movies I like and hate the movies I hate. Asshole.
So, here's what's happening, okay? I finally get around to seeing Black Swan, a good month or so after everyone else has seen it because I'm on top of things that way. And I know it got a lot of nominations and a lot of people love it and I know some other people don't like it so much. And none of that matters anyway because all that matters in the end is what I think, but you already knew that.
So I watch it, and I'm excited to finally see it but that's nothing special because I love movies and, as a result, I'm excited to see pretty much anything. Seriously, seeing a movie is exciting to me because it's such an incredible art form and I love it so much that the anticipation of watching any movie holds some kind of a thrill for me. Okay, so I'm excited and I watch it. I get about half way through and I'm thinking, "When this thing gets to the climax it's going to be really special, I just know it! Because so far, man does this movie suck!"
And that's the honest to god truth right there. When I watch a movie and it's not going well, I stick with it always thinking somehow, someway this movie is going to right itself. So that's what I'm doing with Black Swan. I'm all like, "Okay, so far I got some adolescent fantasy shit and lots of faux-deep dark obsessed artist stuff but, brother, by the end, this fucker's going to wow me!"
And so, yeah, I got to the end and it didn't. But now at least I know what Darren Aronofsky thinks about when he goes to the bathroom to do his "business." And that's something, right? I mean, now I don't have to wonder anymore, not that I ever did, mind you.
So here's where we are: I thought Black Swan was pretty flat as a movie and pretty meaningless as an examination of a tortured artist. And when I hear about its style I just think, "Do they still classify 'swirling around the actor with a steady-cam' as a style? 'Cause I think they officially dropped that designation 12 years ago."
Ahahahahahaaaaaaa!!! See what I did there? Did you get that? You got that, right? I don't mean the clever line about the movie's style, although, that was pretty good. No, I mean the way I took my opinion of the film and expressed in such a flippant, condescending and smug manner as to make it look like if you liked the film, you're an immature idiot. See how I did that?
Of course you did because you've done it too! We've all done that, and, trust me, I could go on but I don't think I could do much better than my previous implication that the whole film was just a two-hour act of masturbation by Aronofsky anyway so why bother. That pretty much hits the perfect balance of smugness and clever repartee so I'm done with that section.
Thing is, they're plenty of folks out there who like it and say I'm the idiot for not seeing what they saw in it. They're wrong and we all know that because I don't like it and, admit it, when I don't like a movie and you do, don't you kind of, just for a second, think, "Hmmm, maybe I'm a complete moron." Come on, you do, right?
You know who else didn't like it? Armond White! Ha, yeah, that's right, Armond White didn't like it. And guess what? I don't think he even understands what a movie is! I hate that guy and he's on my side. Man, things couldn't suck much worse than that. But that's okay because Mick LaSalle did like it, and he's an even bigger idiot! Here's what he wrote:
"For all its ham-fistedness, it captures something about the tyranny of the ballet world and, by extension, the neurotic imprisonment of female body image."
Ahahahahaaaaa!!! Take that Black Swan lovers! You've got Mick LaSalle on your side. Mick LaSalle! Hahahahaaa.
"But wait," you say, "We've got Roger Ebert and Glen Kenny too and guess who you got Ferrara?"
Oh, you calling me out?! Oh, all right, who then?!
"Rex Reed! Rex Reed didn't like it either!"
Damn, man, this was all kind of fun until you took it too far. I mean, Rex Reed. Shit, that's like finding out the only other person that agrees with you that the restaurant everyone loves is actually mediocre is the crazy guy who eats his own poop and everyone calls "Dogman."
Okay, so I got Armond White and Rex Reed but let's talk bloggers, baby! I got Marilyn Ferdinand, peeps, and Sam Juliano and that ain't no weak shit, motherfucker! But wait, you got Tony Dayoub and Ed Howard and, I don't know, maybe Bill. Or maybe I have Bill. I can't really tell, honestly. I read his review and... well, I think you've got Bill but I bet I could have Bill if I messaged him a few times on Facebook and sweet-talked him. But I don't really know.
Here's what I do know.
Sometimes, we disagree. Quite often, actually. And it probably doesn't do anyone any good to say that they don't know how to judge a film just because we disagree on something.
Unless it's you. You know who I'm talking about. Yeah, that's right, you!
You're an idiot.
54 comments:
Like I always say, "Your mileage may vary" - oh, and you're an idiot. ;)
I hated Black Swan, so we can be geniuses together/.
I love how I make a claim to my brilliance, then accidentally add a backslash before the punctuation. Fucking SHIT, man.
Word ver: futbunta
Funny stuff, Greg.
For what it's worth, I agree entirely that Black Swan is poor as drama and utterly idiotic as a portrait of tortured artistry - observe, for instance, how much it completely cops out of any actual portrayal of creative process. I still enjoyed it, because of Aronofsky's sheer "look Ma, I'm movie-making!" giddiness, and it's that giddiness more than anything that seems to have made the film look like a masterpiece to those who ought to know better.
Of course it's always very difficult to completely avoid the "We Disagree, Therefore, You're an Idiot" response, especially when too many disagreements pile up between, say, one's self and Manohla Dargis, or Andrew O'Hehir. And in fact I'm not sure whether one should avoid it, at least in private. My dislike of certain film reviewers, particularly Aussie ones, is why I started writing about movies in the first place, to try and get some dissenting opinion out there. I dare say however a film like brings out the truly interesting schisms, between those who can effectively argue for or against the film's virtues, and those who were clearly only affected by the film's smoke and mirrors.
I take it this wasn't Tales Of Hoffmann or The Red Shoes..
I can't bring myself to be interested, despite the controversy.
I'm not sure what that says about me.
Or where it puts me on your "with me or against me" scale.
I mostly just don't care.
I enjoyed the hell out of this post anyway, though.
Pax, it's true but only because people don't know how to drive. If they did, or, more importantly, if they drove like me, their mileage would be exactly the same. One day, people will realize and adjust their opinions accordingly.
Ryan, you are now officially one of my peeps. Word/.
You are so hilarious. I loved this post.
Of course it's always very difficult to completely avoid the "We Disagree, Therefore, You're an Idiot" response, especially when too many disagreements pile up between, say, one's self and Manohla Dargis, or Andrew O'Hehir.
Rod, in all seriousness, yes, I found the movie rather lacking and found its take on the tortured artist very adolescent and student-filmy. But you, of course, got my bluntly delivered point that, regardless, several people I admire very much loved it. And I've loved films that I'm baffled by other people not liking them.
This piece arose because I read a few things tonight after seeing it where people kind of either said outright or implied that if you didn't like it, you didn't know film. Well, that's a bit much, I thought.
Christopher, it's got a lot more in common with Repulsion than either of those two movies. And, yes, Repulsion's better.
Neil, it's that exhuberant apathy that places you squarely with me. I couldn't even get myself that worked up over not liking this movie after I saw it so I had to come with this take on it just to express myself.
BellaVida, you're in my camp. Enjoy some punch with Ryan, Rod and Neil while we wait for Marilyn and Sam to show up with the chips and dip.
For what it's worth, I am Team No "Black Swan," Please as well. I think I may have actually *hated* it, but I've been reluctant to metaphorically Crap In The Cheerios of the people who seem to be genuinely moved by this film. But yeah--not so much the deep, metaphorical mindblowing experience I was hoping for. Kinda... very... actually... un-good from my seat.
Then again, I may very well be an idiot and not at all the sort of individual you want on your team, so--apologies for that!
Not want Tenebrous Kate on my team?! Are you out of your mind?! I win!!!
Let me quickly add a new critique since I actually go into very little in the piece. I thought the character of Nina was monumentally underdeveloped. Her anxiety is one-dimensional in the extreme, so much so that I couldn't bring myself to care in any way, shape or form for her.
Not only do the hallucinations and anxieties make it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that she is her own worst enemy, her mother, director and rival all explicitly say that as well, just in case we missed the fourth grade psychology at work. Which maybe we would 'cause we're thinking about the lesbian sex scene or the cake.
I was thinking about the cake. Oh man, what a glorious fucking cake that was! I would've devoured that whole thing in under five minutes then vomited for an hour. And it still would've been worth it!
I'm certainly further toward the "like" side of the Black Swan attitude spectrum, but that doesn't change the fact that this post is GENIUS.
Or at least, it's really funny. I can't stand it when people don't actually discuss the merits or flaws of the film itself, but instead devolve into schoolyard name-calling or declaring guilt by association. And nothing will turn me off to a writer's argument (no matter how well-supported) faster than a condescending, agree-with-me-or-you're-stupid tone.
Because, after all, I don't know everything about movies. And neither does anybody else. Opinions are like assholes, etc. I think Black Swan is far from perfect, but if I hear somebody go, "Darren Aronofsky? Psssh," and refuse to even engage in that conversation, I'm a whole lot less likely to care about what they think.
All of which goes to say... pretty much what you said. Very intelligent people can still have strongly conflicting views about the same movie. Thank you for stating it so eloquently.
HA! Well, for all this hilarity (as always at your place) the heart of the matter is the "steadicam" sentence and your "see what I did there?".
Yes, I see, and you're right that it's the root cause of so many film-blogosphere throwdowns, a tone that implies your opposition is a bunch of dimwits. Or degenerates. Or both. You don't have to use snark, however. Snobbery and condescension will do nicely too.
Not only do I try my damnedest not to do that, I avoid the hell out of those who do.
But then, this is easy for me to say, as I had the good sense to agree with you and to dislike Black Swan. Some more who also failed to feel the love: Keith Uhlich, Dan Callahan, James Wolcott, Tom Shone.
One more who liked it a great deal, and defended it in stellar fashion with superbly controlled tone: Kim Morgan. She's good at that.
The type of schoolyard debating described in this post I've taken to calling "Christopher Nolan Disease", which is when a certain director's films makes film bloggers both pro and con absolutely lose their shit and come across as obnoxious jackasses. Yes, often pulling out the "You don't know film" accusation.
Then, it gets pathetic when these bloggers attempt to form their teams, as if there will be eventually be a gang rumble to settle the score. I probably reached my breaking point with this when about a month ago, several bloggers on Twitter were proudly announcing whether they were "Team Inception" or "Team Shutter Island". As someone who didn't care for either film, I didn't realize I had to pick a side.
Greg, if it consoles you in any way, the one thing I've learned over the decades, and especially online and through the blogosphere, is that most everything I know is wrong.
Hilarious post.
And it probably proves your point when I tell you that I'm relieved to find you had the same reaction I did to "Black Swan." I'm right there with you, Marilyn, Sam, Ryan.... and Rex Reed.
Unlike the rest of you, though, I didn't have the backbone to stick by my origianl reaction. So I went to see it again yesterday just to see if I had missed something. I went with a friend who hadn't seen it yet, and we both ended up snickering and exchanging wisecracks through most of it.
And I'm content to leave it at that. I'd rather direct my snarkinees at the film itself than at fellow bloggers who disagree with me.
But I will admit that Portman and Mila Kunis are great in it.
Oh, and by the way: Wanted is a pisser. (Love when all the Spiderman and Batman fans complain how it isn't "realistic" enough!) And if you disagree with that, well... you know the drill.
Sorry, we just emerged from a 2-month-long Matt Cimber deep freeze in the Temple screening room. What's BLACK SWAN? Oh, never mind. If it has Jeff Bridges in it, we'll probably check it out when it hits DVD in a few weeks.
Eloquent? Genius? Andreas, you're totally on my team.
Siren, what's funny about this is how almost irresistable it is. Looking back at my comment to Kate I noticed how smug I made my objection to its psychology ("fourth grade psychology") sound and I wasn't even trying to be ironic.
The type of schoolyard debating described in this post I've taken to calling "Christopher Nolan Disease", which is when a certain director's films makes film bloggers both pro and con absolutely lose their shit and come across as obnoxious jackasses. Yes, often pulling out the "You don't know film" accusation.
Nolan is a perfect example. Lordy, people do indeed go fucking INSANE(!) with him. Seriously. I still remember the insanity that erupted with The Dark Knight. Looking back on it now, doesn't it seem all so odd? I mean, if you liked it, fine. If you didn't, fine. But at the time, shit, those didn't seem to be valid options for whatever reason.
Greg, if it consoles you in any way, the one thing I've learned over the decades, and especially online and through the blogosphere, is that most everything I know is wrong.
I'm glad you finally learned. I'd been trying to tell you that for years.
But I will admit that Portman and Mila Kunis are great in it.
Pat, yes, indeed, all snarkiness aside, Portman and Kunis are terrific. Portman gives off the feeling of utter panic and fear so perfectly it almost overcame the limitations of the character, in my opinion. She definitely looked and felt as if a nervous breakdown was lurking just around the corner, every second of the day.
We should do a Dark Knight blogathon, making everyone go back and see it again... to realize something that I recognized the first time around: after the Joker is captured, the movie ends... but yet continues running for another 45 minutes!
Temple heads, check it out soon. Jeff Bridges is fantastic as the drifter who crashes one of the rehearsals (looking for cheap hooch) and ends up wowing the director and taking on the male lead in Swan Lake. Who knew he was such a beautiful dancer?
Flickhead, I don't remember much about the movie but I do remember losing interest when Heath Ledger wasn't around. I think it could've used some trimming (although coming from me that's pretty meaningless, I mean, I think every movie should top out at 90 minutes) and I can see there was a lot to like for fans of the character and sci-fi/thrillers but you had two sides with one declaring, unironically, that it was the best film ever made and the other side, also unironically, that it was the worst.
Greg, have you seen The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo trilogy yet? I hope I don't invite any slings and arrows here, but I thought they were quite good. I haven't read the books -- which generally works to the film's advantage. No use going in with preconceptions or expectations, especially if I have absolutely no desire or time to read three novels averaging 500 pages each.
You know, Flickhead, funny you should bring that up because I had a whole post planned on the trilogy, which I did not either hate nor love. So, I look forward to putting it up in a couple of weeks and getting your reaction.
Rex Reed is a better writer than he gets credit for.
Uh... um... yes. Yes, he certainly is. And he was excellent in Superman!
I've got some guacamole. Where's the tube? Want to see the Steelers whip Green Bay's ass!
Go Steelers! Actually, while I am nominally rooting for the Steelers, since I prefer AFC teams over NFC teams, I don't have a horse in this race so, once again,
Go Steelers!
"I am not Simone Schulle" The difference is Portman only jumped once. And Polansky is just a ton creepier.
Also, I'm not Trelkovsky, in case you were wondering. And sadly, Simone had no mattress to land on.
Is that why she lost her tooth?
And her mind.
And her head!
Hahahah this post is awesome. Even though you are kind of an idiot for not liking a movie I like. I always love (read: hate) when discussion about films turns so vitriolic that no disagreement is acceptable. Back when The Dark Knight came out, I liked the film, but some of the other rabid defenders of the movie made me feel like an asshole for agreeing with their opinion - I didn't want to be on their "side," I only wanted to talk about a movie I liked and what I liked about it. Nolan does seem to inspire this fervor, one way or the other. I've got a post about Inception lined up for tomorrow and am looking forward to what's sure to be some good arguments, especially since I've flipped "sides" on this one.
As for Black Swan, I'm not blind to its flaws, I'm aware that it's unsubtle and built on a foundation of clichés. I just found it so compelling in spite of that, so visually thrilling, packed with interesting performances and interesting riffs on its various received ideas. I certainly understand why it was so divisive, and I had my own reservations about it, but for the most part I was so swept up by its energy and its dark humor that I wound up almost entirely on the pro side.
Ed, Black Swan is one of those movies where I can completely see what its defenders are seeing, even if I don't like it. It's not a case where I'm baffled as to why people like it because the performances and energy are all right there and plain to see. It's a case where I don't think what's up there amounts to very much in the end.
But I did read some comments where it seemed that not liking it wasn't an option if you knew cinema and I reject that outright. I was not swept up in its energy and didn't feel it gave me enough to think about in regards to obsession and self-torture and so on. And that's perfectly valid if I don't think that it succeeded while others clearly did.
Now, as for Inception, which I still haven't seen, believe it or not, there's something about Nolan that really brings out the love/hate battles online. I started to watch it a couple of months ago but wasn't in the right mood for it and stopped, saving it for a later date. Maybe I'll finally watch it this week and then read your post.
When you say you flipped sides, do you mean you liked it and now you don't or you didn't like it and now you do? Just curious.
Oh, I was a little unclear about Inception. I just plain didn't like it, which means I flipped sides in the Nolan debate from defending The Dark Knight. I'm a Nolan traitor!
I don't know if I can recommend watching it, exactly, but I would certainly be curious to hear your thoughts on it.
What the hell happened here?
And what's so confusing about my review? I thought I was plenty clear that I think BLACK SWAN is a fine film, what with all the masturbations and lesbianisms and whatnot. Be honest with your readers about my review, Greg!
Naw, it's a good movie. I liked it a lot. I'm mildly perplexed by the "my mind was blown" reactions, but that's all.
What the hell happened here?
I put up a post, like two days ago!
Be honest with your readers about my review, Greg!
Satire demanded I treat your review as middle of the road, which compared to the glowing stuff, it kind of is. Anyway, I didn't even hate it, I just wanted to write this satirical piece after I was underwhelmed by it, but it's got a lot of good qualities which I'd elaborate on in a proper review.
Besides, for this post, I had to come to terms with a lot of things because, trust me, when you don't like a movie that the majority did and you find out Rex Reed didn't like it either, you start to question everything you know.
As Rex Reed says in this very thread, he's better than he gets credit for.
Oh, I'm just kidding -- he's useless.
As far as I'm concerned, this is the Black Swan movie to watch.
No, he does have some good things to... yeah, he's useless.
tdraicer: I've always liked how Mark Twain put it: In matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.
There are so many things Mark Twain said that are so right. Even better than Rex Reed.
Is "fistedness" even a word?
I think Mick wants it to be a word and so as to not upset his delicately balanced world, we should let him believe it is.
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