Every now and then on these very pages I've flown off the handle to wildly rage against a movie that I feel is unjustly loved by millions, more often than not something born of the Pixar factory, that tireless purveyor of cinematic snake oil, lapped up by eager, gullible fans. And I feel justified in doing this because, after all, this is my space to write in, not yours. If you want to go off on how stupid everyone is in the world, except you, start up a blog. It takes barely a minute and it's free. Seriously, be my guest.
But you know what really gets me fired up? When someone else does the same thing with a movie I love! Don't they know they're stupid? Don't they know they're wrong? Don't they know I'm offended by their post? And if they know this, why'd they do it? I mean, it's me. Do you really want to offend me? Look at me, I'm lovable. I've got the puppy dog eyes and the little pouty mouth and, I mean, come on! I'm adorable, and you owe it to me to like the movies I like and hate the movies I hate. Asshole.
So, here's what's happening, okay? I finally get around to seeing Black Swan, a good month or so after everyone else has seen it because I'm on top of things that way. And I know it got a lot of nominations and a lot of people love it and I know some other people don't like it so much. And none of that matters anyway because all that matters in the end is what I think, but you already knew that.
So I watch it, and I'm excited to finally see it but that's nothing special because I love movies and, as a result, I'm excited to see pretty much anything. Seriously, seeing a movie is exciting to me because it's such an incredible art form and I love it so much that the anticipation of watching any movie holds some kind of a thrill for me. Okay, so I'm excited and I watch it. I get about half way through and I'm thinking, "When this thing gets to the climax it's going to be really special, I just know it! Because so far, man does this movie suck!"
And that's the honest to god truth right there. When I watch a movie and it's not going well, I stick with it always thinking somehow, someway this movie is going to right itself. So that's what I'm doing with Black Swan. I'm all like, "Okay, so far I got some adolescent fantasy shit and lots of faux-deep dark obsessed artist stuff but, brother, by the end, this fucker's going to wow me!"
And so, yeah, I got to the end and it didn't. But now at least I know what Darren Aronofsky thinks about when he goes to the bathroom to do his "business." And that's something, right? I mean, now I don't have to wonder anymore, not that I ever did, mind you.
So here's where we are: I thought Black Swan was pretty flat as a movie and pretty meaningless as an examination of a tortured artist. And when I hear about its style I just think, "Do they still classify 'swirling around the actor with a steady-cam' as a style? 'Cause I think they officially dropped that designation 12 years ago."
Ahahahahahaaaaaaa!!! See what I did there? Did you get that? You got that, right? I don't mean the clever line about the movie's style, although, that was pretty good. No, I mean the way I took my opinion of the film and expressed in such a flippant, condescending and smug manner as to make it look like if you liked the film, you're an immature idiot. See how I did that?
Of course you did because you've done it too! We've all done that, and, trust me, I could go on but I don't think I could do much better than my previous implication that the whole film was just a two-hour act of masturbation by Aronofsky anyway so why bother. That pretty much hits the perfect balance of smugness and clever repartee so I'm done with that section.
Thing is, they're plenty of folks out there who like it and say I'm the idiot for not seeing what they saw in it. They're wrong and we all know that because I don't like it and, admit it, when I don't like a movie and you do, don't you kind of, just for a second, think, "Hmmm, maybe I'm a complete moron." Come on, you do, right?
You know who else didn't like it? Armond White! Ha, yeah, that's right, Armond White didn't like it. And guess what? I don't think he even understands what a movie is! I hate that guy and he's on my side. Man, things couldn't suck much worse than that. But that's okay because Mick LaSalle did like it, and he's an even bigger idiot! Here's what he wrote:
"For all its ham-fistedness, it captures something about the tyranny of the ballet world and, by extension, the neurotic imprisonment of female body image."
Ahahahahaaaaa!!! Take that Black Swan lovers! You've got Mick LaSalle on your side. Mick LaSalle! Hahahahaaa.
"But wait," you say, "We've got Roger Ebert and Glen Kenny too and guess who you got Ferrara?"
Oh, you calling me out?! Oh, all right, who then?!
"Rex Reed! Rex Reed didn't like it either!"
Damn, man, this was all kind of fun until you took it too far. I mean, Rex Reed. Shit, that's like finding out the only other person that agrees with you that the restaurant everyone loves is actually mediocre is the crazy guy who eats his own poop and everyone calls "Dogman."
Okay, so I got Armond White and Rex Reed but let's talk bloggers, baby! I got Marilyn Ferdinand, peeps, and Sam Juliano and that ain't no weak shit, motherfucker! But wait, you got Tony Dayoub and Ed Howard and, I don't know, maybe Bill. Or maybe I have Bill. I can't really tell, honestly. I read his review and... well, I think you've got Bill but I bet I could have Bill if I messaged him a few times on Facebook and sweet-talked him. But I don't really know.
Here's what I do know.
Sometimes, we disagree. Quite often, actually. And it probably doesn't do anyone any good to say that they don't know how to judge a film just because we disagree on something.
Unless it's you. You know who I'm talking about. Yeah, that's right, you!
You're an idiot.