So I'm walking with my fellow crew members, Taylor, Landon and Dodge in the desert and dying of thirst. Landon asks where we are and Taylor says we're 320 light years from Earth on an unnamed planet in orbit around a star in the constellation of Orion. I'm like, "No we're not. We're back on Earth."
Taylor chuckles but I can tell he's kind of miffed that I disagreed with him. So anyway, he spouts the Orion party line again and I'm like, "Dude, we're on Earth, trust me. When we were flying in I saw the Statue of Liberty about four clicks that way. Seriously, I'm not bullshitting you. And let me just say we must be in the future or something cause Lady Liberty was looking pretty crappy." I can tell he's getting all pissed and then Dodge shouts out that he's found a plant and goes on and on about how where there's one there's another and another and so on. Whatever. I'm not impressed.
"First of all," I say with smug, arrogant authority, "it's a pretty shitty looking plant. I mean, I've seen better plants growing under my shed. Second of all, I've got, like, 500 plants in my backyard alone so I'm not sure what's so amazing about one pathetic little crap-harvest."
"Well," says Dodge, "You're kind of missing the point. See, we're in a desert and finding a..." That's where I cut him off with a casual, "Yeah, whatever" before I turn and walk away.
Taylor is busting Landon's balls by this point which is pretty much par for the course with that guy. Anyway Landon asks Taylor why he signed on for this mission and Taylor shoots out some nonsense about how there "has to be something better than man. Has to be." I'm like, "No there doesn't. Man is the best." Taylor just rolls his eyes and I defensively ask, "Oh, okay, what's better? Platypuses? Narwhals? Kiwis? Huh? What? Go ahead, give me one animal that kicks more ass than Man. Ha! I didn't think so! Man rules!" I shout as I wave my fist in the air.
So now we're walking along and no one's saying anything and I'm getting bored so I ask, "So Taylor, while we were in hibernation d'you get busy with Stewart?" Boy does that piss off Taylor. "Okay, that's enough Ferrara!" I'm like, "What man, I'm just asking! I mean me, Landon and Dodge went out first and you were all like, 'I need Stewart to assist me with a couple of experiments before she goes into hyper-sleep.' Right guys?" Landon and Dodge just kind of look at the ground and I'm like, "Oh come on! You know we all gave each other eye-rolls when he said that!" So anyway, I think he's really touchy about it cause maybe that's how the crack in the glass got there and he feels all responsible and shit. Then before I can ask about the crack a boulder starts to tumble down the side of a hill and we all run like hell and take cover under... uh... well, another boulder. Kinda dumb, I know. Dodge offers ration water and Taylor and Landon shake their heads "No" but I'm all like, "Hell yeah, give me some of that," and I drink their share as well. Boy do I get some looks for that. Whatever, they should've drunk the water. Dumbasses.
I can tell they're all starting to get annoyed with me when out of the blue we happen upon some scarecrows. And not just any scarecrows but really cool ten-foot-tall-form-of-an-X scarecrows. So yeah, everyone knows I'm pretty much a scarecrow fanatic right? I'm pretty psyched about this when suddenly we hear something that sounds like running water. We look around and see some goddamn waterfall and Taylor's all like, "To hell with the scarecrows!" Not me, I'm like, "Screw that, I'm staying here. Go play in the water all you want, losers."
And now there they are, naked, clothes stolen, shot in the neck and carted off in a cage to some talking ape village. And here I am, fully clothed, high and dry and having a drink of ration water with my new scarecrow peeps. I should've been Captain of this mission. I'm just sayin'.
*************
source pics: one, two and three
16 comments:
I'm a scarecrow fanatic, too!! Are you going to the Scarecrow Expo 2010?? All the new models will be on display, and the bargains...shit, man, my whole year revolves around these things!
Also, this post did not make me angry.
Well obviously this isn't the post I was talking about. But you know who isn't going to the Scarecrow Expo 2010? Taylor, Landon and Dodge! Ha, ha! Fools!
You know what's funny? I heard Landon and Dodge are dead!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
What a bunch of maroons, huh?
Quick joke I like to tell:
What did the gorilla say to Landon after he was captured?
Get stuffed!
Ha, ha, get it? Cause of the museum display. Oh man, good stuff (no pun intended).
BTW, before I fixed up the ship when it washed ashore that allowed me to travel back to 1973 Los Angeles I just spent my days drinking fresh water from the lagoon, eating ripe fruit and hangin' with my scarecrows. Almost didn't feel like leaving.
I could spend weeks just chilling with some SCs (that's what I call "scarecrows"). Drinkin' some brew, eatin' some ripe fruit (as you say)...that's my perfect vacation.
Scarecrow Expo 2010 can't get here fast enough!! Martin P. Hastings is going to be there!!!!
Martin P. Hastings is going to be there!!!!
[jumping up and down waving his hands in front of him] Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod!
I know! I'm going to get him to sign my calendar!
You have a calendar?! Lucky dog!
I tried to reply to your FB message, but I don't think it went through. Did you get it? If not, I'll try again in a little while. I can't do it from my desk, though.
Nope, I didn't get it. Just e-mail me.
E-mail sent.
I never could figure out why Charlton Hes...oops, I mean Taylor, was smoking that stogie at the beginning of the movie (the 4 year old me was reminded of how a simple spark caused a fatal fire in the cabin of the Apollo 1 capsule, so smoking a cigar on a spaceship should have been a serious no-no, but I digress). But since he'd been poking Stewart, that would explain the post-coital smoke as well as the cracked glass on the sleeping compartment (not to mention the little smile on Stewart's sleeping face, and why Char..I mean Taylor, was still awake). Thanks for the explanation.
Oh, and the guy who got stuffed was Dodge (with those creepy glass eyes in the Hall of Man Exhibit at the Ape City Museum of Natural History). Landon was the one who got the prefrontal lobotomy.
Dodge, Landon, Landon, Dodge, whatever. I just know I'm high and dry. And Taylor, oh brother. Experiments he said he had to do with her. Experiments. Puh-leeze. I knew I smelled a cigar when I came to. The aroma from those things linger for years.
Narwhals are awesome.
They're so horny.
Tusk, tusk.
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