Monday, December 14, 2009

I should've been the Captain

So I'm walking with my fellow crew members, Taylor, Landon and Dodge in the desert and dying of thirst. Landon asks where we are and Taylor says we're 320 light years from Earth on an unnamed planet in orbit around a star in the constellation of Orion. I'm like, "No we're not. We're back on Earth."

Taylor chuckles but I can tell he's kind of miffed that I disagreed with him. So anyway, he spouts the Orion party line again and I'm like, "Dude, we're on Earth, trust me. When we were flying in I saw the Statue of Liberty about four clicks that way. Seriously, I'm not bullshitting you. And let me just say we must be in the future or something cause Lady Liberty was looking pretty crappy." I can tell he's getting all pissed and then Dodge shouts out that he's found a plant and goes on and on about how where there's one there's another and another and so on. Whatever. I'm not impressed.

"First of all," I say with smug, arrogant authority, "it's a pretty shitty looking plant. I mean, I've seen better plants growing under my shed. Second of all, I've got, like, 500 plants in my backyard alone so I'm not sure what's so amazing about one pathetic little crap-harvest."

"Well," says Dodge, "You're kind of missing the point. See, we're in a desert and finding a..." That's where I cut him off with a casual, "Yeah, whatever" before I turn and walk away.

Taylor is busting Landon's balls by this point which is pretty much par for the course with that guy. Anyway Landon asks Taylor why he signed on for this mission and Taylor shoots out some nonsense about how there "has to be something better than man. Has to be." I'm like, "No there doesn't. Man is the best." Taylor just rolls his eyes and I defensively ask, "Oh, okay, what's better? Platypuses? Narwhals? Kiwis? Huh? What? Go ahead, give me one animal that kicks more ass than Man. Ha! I didn't think so! Man rules!" I shout as I wave my fist in the air.

So now we're walking along and no one's saying anything and I'm getting bored so I ask, "So Taylor, while we were in hibernation d'you get busy with Stewart?" Boy does that piss off Taylor. "Okay, that's enough Ferrara!" I'm like, "What man, I'm just asking! I mean me, Landon and Dodge went out first and you were all like, 'I need Stewart to assist me with a couple of experiments before she goes into hyper-sleep.' Right guys?" Landon and Dodge just kind of look at the ground and I'm like, "Oh come on! You know we all gave each other eye-rolls when he said that!" So anyway, I think he's really touchy about it cause maybe that's how the crack in the glass got there and he feels all responsible and shit. Then before I can ask about the crack a boulder starts to tumble down the side of a hill and we all run like hell and take cover under... uh... well, another boulder. Kinda dumb, I know. Dodge offers ration water and Taylor and Landon shake their heads "No" but I'm all like, "Hell yeah, give me some of that," and I drink their share as well. Boy do I get some looks for that. Whatever, they should've drunk the water. Dumbasses.

I can tell they're all starting to get annoyed with me when out of the blue we happen upon some scarecrows. And not just any scarecrows but really cool ten-foot-tall-form-of-an-X scarecrows. So yeah, everyone knows I'm pretty much a scarecrow fanatic right? I'm pretty psyched about this when suddenly we hear something that sounds like running water. We look around and see some goddamn waterfall and Taylor's all like, "To hell with the scarecrows!" Not me, I'm like, "Screw that, I'm staying here. Go play in the water all you want, losers."

And now there they are, naked, clothes stolen, shot in the neck and carted off in a cage to some talking ape village. And here I am, fully clothed, high and dry and having a drink of ration water with my new scarecrow peeps. I should've been Captain of this mission. I'm just sayin'.


source pics: one, two and three