Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Well, since you asked...



... I'll tell you what you've done. You built a bridge. A really good bridge. For the enemy. See, here's the thing. When the enemy says, "Hey you, build me a bridge," you say, "Sure why not, I'll build your bridge for you," and then you use like, I don't know, bubblegum or something to hold the supports together. And then you're like, "Oh damn, the bridge collapsed again. Man that really sucks! Guess we gotta start over." And then the enemy, Colonel Saito, slaps his hands up and down his face like Curly from the Three Stooges and steam comes out of his ears and he's all like, "Nicholson!!! One of these days..." as he waves his fist at you. And then you just laugh and say, "Oh, you mean you want the bridge to stay up? Why didn't you say so! Lieutenant, we must use stronger bubblegum. And twine!" And then everyone laughs and Saito says, "Why I oughta..." as he wags his finger at you and then when he turns to leave he slips in the mud and falls smack down on his ass. Big laughs all around.

See that's how it's supposed to work. But no, not you. You go all out and build the goddamn Golden Gate Bridge for this son of a bitch like you're trying to get into his pants or something. I mean, what the hell? It's like he's your hero. Hey, maybe you and the guys could start mowing his lawn on the weekends and fix that leaky sink in the kitchen his wife's always complaining about. While you're at it why don't you start wiping his ass for him too? I mean, hey, why should this guy do anything for himself? He's got you, Colonel Nicholson, eager puppy and willing bootlick.

I gotta be honest here: The only way you could possibly redeem yourself in my eyes at this point is if took a header onto that ignition plunger over there and blew this whole damn...

... Oh... well... never mind. Good show old man! Jolly good!

29 comments:

Jason Bellamy said...

I love it when you do these. Jolly good show! What a great way to start the day.

Jonathan Lapper said...

Thanks Jason! I had one set for the holidays but never got around to it. And Nicholson needed a good talking to anyway. About time he got an earful over that damn bridge.

Marilyn said...

I hear this the Illinois Dept. of Transportation's favorite movie.

Jonathan Lapper said...

The Alaskan Dept. of Transportation hates it. The bridge actually went somewhere.

bill r. said...

You know what I would have done? I would have built a really good, sturdy bridge, but it would loop back around into the camp. That way, the Japanes would get in their trucks and drive off to fight battles, and then find themselves right back where they started! Saito would be all, "What the?!" And then I could say, "Who taught you how to drive? A monkey!?"

Jonathan Lapper said...

I'd be all like, "Boy that was fast! You guys must've kicked their butts!"

And then we'd all start holding back our laughter under our breath as Saito started doing that Herbert Lom Pink Panther eye twitch thing. Then he'd go all Shatner in Wrath of Khan and scream, "Nicholsonnnnnn!!!!!!!!"

Peter Nellhaus said...

In Pierre Boulle's novel, the bridge stays up as I recall.

If you're going to lecture Nicholson, you might have said a few words about that whistling. The film could have been retitled Bridge on the River Disney. "Whistle while you work", mon cul!.

Jonathan Lapper said...

And that's another thing. I would have had my men do that tuneless rambling humming instead of whistling an actual tune. We'd all be marching into camp going, "hmmm, hmm, hmm, doop doo doop doo doop, hmm, hmm" and Saito would be like, "Stop that mindless humming! I'm going crazy!!!"

Adam Ross said...

Imagine how the train conductor felt on the way to the bridge:

"Since when do they have a bridge over the River Kwai? They just built it, who? Oh, a bunch of POWs from that camp where they're always dying ... and we're the first train to go over it? Can't I just stomp on the bridge a little just to make sure it's sturdy? Oh damn it's just right around that bend..."

Ali Arikan said...

Hah. Great stuff. You should see if you can't find the Goon Show's parody of Kwai - it's genius.

Jonathan Lapper said...

Adam, talk about faith on the part of Saito. "I'll make people who are my enemy, who I mistreat, who are malnourished, who profoundly hate me - I'll make them build the bridge! Yes, I've gone over it in my mind a thousand times and I can't foresee one problem with that idea. Not one!"

Jonathan Lapper said...

Ali, I've never heard any of the Goon Show recordings although I know they're out there. I grew up hearing all about Spike Milligan and Peter Sellers' antics on the show in interviews with everyone from John Cleese to John Lennon but I still haven't had a chance to indulge. I bet they're online by now though. I'll search around a bit. Thanks for reminding me of that show again!

Arbogast said...

In Pierre Boulle's novel, the bridge stays up as I recall.

So you're in the book? Are you the narrator? Is the whole story your recollection?

Jonathan Lapper said...

Peter's the one that says, "Madness! Madness!" at the end. Although in the novel I believe he says, "Mentally Unbalanced Behavior! Mentally Unbalanced Behavior!"

The movie's dialogue definitely flows better.

bill r. said...

I've been everywhere today looking for some comment action, and I keep coming up empty. Where is everybody? Is there a meeting I wasn't told about?

Jonathan Lapper said...

Bill, I'm just swamped with work so I've been ignoring the blogs for most of today. I did a quick tour of most this morning and then started doing this shit that I hate but pays me money. Some crap called work. Anyway, I can't speak for what our other good friends are up to.

bill r. said...

It's just creepy, because for a while NO ONE was around. Fox finally turned up, but Rick and Marilyn and Brian and you (sort of)...and who knows where Arbo is, at any time?

Jonathan Lapper said...

In cases like that I always just assume that no one likes me anymore and my blog will begin a rapid decline into obscurity and everyone is not only commenting elsewhere but saying things like, "Jonathan is soooo boring now, isn't he?"

bill r. said...

Yeah, that was my line of reasoning at first, too, but no one was anywhere, even at their own blogs. It's starting to pick up again a little bit, though.

Jonathan Lapper said...

You know what I would do if everyone just abandoned me. I mean after crying for three days straight. I'd just come back under a different pseudonym. I think either "Bill Q" or "Arboblast" would do nicely.

bill r. said...

Or maybe "Ferret".

Jonathan Lapper said...

Or "Sherilyn." Or "Mick from Goosa Creek."

Jonathan Lapper said...

Actually, "Colonel Saito" would be a kick-ass Blogging name!

Col. Saito said...

Too bad. Col. Saito's already been taken.

Jonathan Lapper said...

I'll just have to go by "Rick Olson" then.

PIPER said...

Man, what a bastard. All is used to take was a few drinks and maybe a nice piece of steak to get into someone's pants. But now a bridge? A fricking bridge?

All I can say is that better be a really good piece of ass.

Rick Olson said...

I'll just have to go by "Rick Olson" then.

Is that a threat or a promise?

Jonathan Lapper said...

Piper, that was fifty years ago. Now you need to build an entire city on the other side of the river for the bridge to go to. Oh, for simpler times when all a guy had to do was construct a viaduct.

Jonathan Lapper said...

Rick/Saito - It's a thromise.