So I'm watching TCM Saturday night... uh, I mean... I'm out partying Saturday night with my peeps and hanging with my lady and... oh alright, so I'm home and we're watching TCM. Anyway, the first feature, 3:10 to Yuma, is over and it's only 9:36 so I'm thinking, "We're going to get a One-Reel Wonder to fill the time until 10," and wouldn't you know it, that's just what happens. As the One-Reel Wonder intro kicks in I start getting excited.
"Oh boy," I ask myself out loud, "what's it going to be tonight? Ooh, ooh, I hope it's one of those Boy Friends shorts they put on occasionally. Remember the last one, Ladies Last, directed by none other than George Stevens, where the boys refuse to go to the dance because the girls want them to wear tuxedos? Ha, ha oh my. That was hilarious!"
"Okay, okay," says my lovely wife, "calm down. Let's just wait and see."
"Boy Friends, Boy Friends, Boy Friends," I chant in wild expectation.
Then the short starts. It's in color from 1940 so I know it's not The Boy Friends but my disappointment is only temporary as I see the title, Pony Express Days.
"Hooray!" I exclaim, "A short historical narrative about the Pony Express!"
Then I see the cast and in the starring role is none other than Brent Tarleton/Clark Kent/Superman himself George Reeves.
"Oh boy, this is going to be good!"
As our story begins, Billy (George Reeves), is told he's too big for the Pony Express. The maximum weight allowed is 125 pounds because they ride those ponies fast across the 
plains and too much weight, along with the added weight of the mail, could cause events to occur that would be hard to work around. Like, for instance, the pony could die. And that would be hard to fix. So Billy is rejected but still gets to work for the Express at a relay station where he keeps the next pony ready. See what happens is, the rider switches ponies about every tenth of the way, and then takes the next pony to the brink of horrible exhaustive death all in the name of getting the mail from Missouri to Californ-I-A!
Billy is stuck at the relay station with some annoying old guy who claims he's a master buffalo hunter but he's really just a stupid drunken half-wit. Billy hates him. So anywho, there's this subplot going on over in California. Seems these Southern sympathizers are trying to get California to join what will become the Confederacy but there's a problem. They suspect that that meddling prairie lawyer from Illinois, Abe Lincoln, will get elected and if California gets the news in time they won't join the Confederacy, which hasn't even formed yet as South Carolina did not secede until December 20th of 1860, more than a full month after Lincoln's election. But somehow these guys just know there's going to be a Confederacy. They also know Lincoln will be elected. They further know that California is just itching to join the Confederacy, which doesn't exist yet, but if they find out Lincoln won the election they'll be all like, "No way Jose, we're not joining now!" So right there you've got some serious dramatic tension going down.
Okay, so, back to the Pony Express. They ride fast across the plains and the Indians there ignore them. I guess because they're so fast or maybe it's just because the Indians think they're totally awesome. Well, that's a problem for our Southern sympathizers. One of them finds some 
crooked Indians and pays them to kill the Pony Express riders so that word of Lincoln's election never reaches California (imagine if this plan had worked and people living in California today we're still asking, "So who was the 16th President? Doesn't anybody know?").
The Indians start shooting the Pony Express riders. Shooting them! One of the Pony Express riders rides into Billy's relay station shot. He can't go on and Indians have surrounded the cabin. Oh no! What's going to happen now? It was at this point that I hung my head low, "It's all over," I said, "Now California will join the Confederacy, when it forms I mean."
"Don't be so pessimistic," said my wife, reassuringly, "Something unexpected might just happen."
"Yeah sure," I said, utterly defeated, "I'm going to get a drink. I don't need this kind of downer right now."
"Wait!" shouted my wife.
I turned back around to face the screen and what do you know! Billy hops on the pony and takes off!
"Impossible!" I exclaimed, "He's too big! The pony won't last!"
And Billy didn't just jump on that pony. No. He didn't sneak around the back where the Indians couldn't see him. Hell no! He hopped on that pony, drew both six shooters from his side and rode RIGHT AT THEM!!! Man, there must have been 10 or 12 of them and not one, NOT ONE, managed to pull off a shot anywhere near Billy but Billy - oh boy! - he took 'em all out as he blasted his way through their defensive lines! I don't have to tell you (or maybe I do) that right
about now my wife was readying a spoon in case she needed to hold down my tongue to keep me from choking on it due to all the excitement.
Then guess what happens. The pony, and Billy, become too exhausted to go on.
"I knew it," I said, bitter and resentful of being played for a fool by this short, "I knew it was too good to be true."
So there's Billy, exhausted and beaten, laying on the ground by his exhausted and beaten pony. All he needed to do was get to the border fort at California to drop off the mail but he couldn't do it. He just couldn't do it.
And then...
Are you ready...
Really ready...
He hears Reveille! Oh joy! Bliss! Rapture! The fort is just over the hill. He made it!!! The word goes out to California that Lincoln won the election and California decides against joining the not-yet-existent Confederacy. Whew, that was a close one.
So the story's over. Yep, what more could they possibly do at this point? And that's when it happens. As Billy walks away with that drunken half-wit we get the final AMAZING twist! The half-wit mentions something about buffalos and Billy thinks it might make a good nickname for himself. "I like it," Billy says, "Buffalo Bill. Buffalo Bill Cody."
Holy Crapola!!! It was Buffalo Bill the whole time! As the tears streamed down my face I turned to wife and said, "One day, I'm going to make a movie just like that, you wait and see."
"I know you will sweety," she said, reaching out for my hand, "I know you will."
Today marks the first day of what will be known in the future as my "Pony Expressionism" period. Pony Express Days, you will live in heart forever. Thank you. Thank you for everything.
Now how about an episode of The Boy Friends? Those guys crack me up.
41 comments:
This is probably why Reeves killed himself.
I just looked Pony Express Days up on IMDB, and apparetnly the original title was Buffalo Bill and the Pony Express. I wonder if the original title for The Sixth Sense was The Sixth Sense and the Guy Who Was Dead the Whole Time.
You left out the part where Mrs. Lapper put away her leather teddy and cat mask and muttered under her breath "Maybe next weekend."
Interesting original title. It reminds me of the original poster for The Usual Suspects which advertised, "Kevin Spacey as Keyser Soze in The Usual Suspects."
And Lucas' original title for The Empire Strikes Back was Darth Vader, aka Luke's father, Strikes Back.
You left out the part where Mrs. Lapper put away her leather teddy and cat mask and muttered under her breath "Maybe next weekend."
I also left out how annoyed she got when all Sunday long I ran around the house shouting, "Bang bang," as I pretended to fire six shooters off with my index fingers, "I'm Buffalo Bill Cody and this mail's getting delivered! Bang bang!"
"I'm Buffalo Bill Cody and this mail's getting delivered! Bang bang!"
To which Mrs. Lapper said "promises, promises ..."
That's weird. I'd never even heard of this movie until just now, and that's also how I spent my Sunday.
Rick - "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds" It's a code I live by.
Bill - Sometimes I'm Wyatt Earp.
I thought Rick was saying that you're bad at sex.
And I was saying I'm good at it but let's keep talking about how wonderful the Pony Express was. Just thinking about it gets me all misty eyed.
The Pony Express was great at sex.
What I was saying was this: is "I'm Buffalo Bill Cody and this mail's getting delivered! Bang bang!" a threat or a promise?
I don't know what we're talking about anymore. I'm going to go back to Bill's original comment and pretend like the thread is just starting again.
Bill, I wonder if the original title for Citizen Kane was Citizen Kane and the sled named Rosebud.
Ok, I can play that game ... let's see ... gimme a sec ... uh,
Bill, I wonder if the original title for Alien was Alien Popping Out of John Hurt's Chest?
How'd I do?
I think it was such a bold marketing move to retitle the film version of Murder in the Calais Coach Murder on the Orient Express Committed by Everybody.
That way there's absolutely no question about who-dunnit to muss with our perty little heads.
It certainly saves a lot of watching time. Besides, you can still enjoy the movie wondering - Does that include Hercule Poirot?
And in the case of the Alien movie - When does it pop out of his chest?
God, Jonathan, I can't remember details like that ... it did pop out of Hurt's chest, didn't it? I didn't get the actor wrong, did I? It's been a while ...
Rick, I'm not asking you specifically, I'm saying titling the movie Alien Popping out of John Hurt's Chest still leaves open the question of when it happens, so the plot isn't ruined.
Rick, you're the master of confusion today.
Time to start over again.
Bill, I wonder if the original title for Citizen Kane was Citizen Kane and the sled named Rosebud.
No, Jonathan, I don't think that was the original title of Citizen Kane. That would have been silly. I believe the original title was American.
I'm glad I could help you.
Thanks Captain Literalist, I couldn't do this without you.
You're welcome, although my name isn't Captain Literalist. My name is Bill R.
The original title of Citizen Kane was M&Ms, but the chowderheads at M&M, Inc. dropped the ball.
Is that true??
The original title of Citizen Kane was M&Ms, but the chowderheads at M&M, Inc. dropped the ball.
I guess the merchandising money they could've made melted in their hands. Ahahaha, get it? Hahahaha.
I thought it was called The Snickers King. Am I wrong?
Is Arbo getting a kick-back from the Mars corporation?
Not after calling them a bunch of chowderheads, he's not.
"You're right, I did lose a billion M&Ms last year. I expect to lose a billion M&Ms this year. I expect to lose a billion M&Ms *next* year. You know, Mr. Thatcher, at the rate of a billion M&Ms a year, I'll have to close this candy store in... 60 years."
I'm going to say that clip is from Pony Express Days!
Am I right? Did I do it? Did I get a point??
What? This isn't that game?
DAMMIT! I was so SURE this time, too!
Sorry, I'm a bit discombobulated from watching M. Night Shymalan's first film, It Turns Out Bruce Willis Is A Ghost three times this weekend. It was all part of TNT's "The New Classics!" lineup.
Charlie Kane: "You know Mr. Bernstein, if I hadn't eaten so many M&M's, I might have been a really great man."
_____
Charlie Kane: "You can't buy a bag of peanut M&M's in this town without someone writing a song about you"
_____
Jed Leland: "That's all he ever wanted out of life... was M&M's. That's the tragedy of Charles Foster Kane. You see, he just didn't have any to give."
_____
Bernstein: "Girls delightful in Cuba. Stop. Could send you prose poems about scenery, but don't feel right spending your money. Stop. There are no M&M's in Cuba, signed Wheeler." Any answer?"
Charlie Kane: "Yes. 'Dear Wheeler: you provide the prose poems. I'll provide the M&M's.'"
Brian - That's right! You get another ... oh wait, you're right, this isn't a part of the game. Say, that gives me an idea. I should run a clip from The Game, or as it's known by its original title, The Game Where None of it Turns Out to be Real and No One Gets Hurt.
Does TNT run Tyler Durden is Really One Half of the Narrator's Split Personality on its New Classics? I think they changed the title to The Boxing Group or Fightin' Fraternity or something like that.
Ingenious banner this morning, Jonathan!
Thanks, Fox. King of Comedy is a favorite.
Me too. I think it's one of Scorcese's best, constantly overshadowed b/c it's not so outwardly macho like his most famous films.
"I gotta go. I gotta catch a bus."
You know how I know it's good? Because I envy you. I hate you, but I envy you.
"You should get cancer!"
Oh, it's from King of Comedy? Uh, of course it is, I knew that ...
"I don't think one red M&M could sum up a man's life."
"You see, Mr. Bernstein, you don't realize you're talking to two men. As Charles Foster Kane, owner of 2,000,000 chocolate M&Ms-- you see, I do have some idea of my holdings-- I agree with you: Charles Foster Kane is scoundrel. A Hershey's committee should be organized to boycott him. If you can form such a committee, you may put me down for a contribution of 100,000 red M&Ms. But as the publisher of the Inquirer, it is my responsibility-- and I'll let you in on a little secret, it's also my pleasure-- to see to it that honest, hardworking men aren't destroyed by men like you simply because they don't have any M&Ms."
Gah, I was so discombobulated from my TNT marathon that I didn't even notice Bill had made a SIXTH SENSE joke already. And in the first comment, too.
(Throwing his head back like Shatner and screaming)
BILL!
BILLLL!
BILLLLL!!
I will get Bill for this, for he is my nemesis, my Tyler Durden, if you will. Or maybe I'm his. I forget. And does this make Lapper the Helena Bonham Carter?
Brian, my mom always told me, "I didn't raise you to be the Helena Bonham Carter to some no-good, fast-talking, backwoods trash Sinny-ma Pro-fessor. You understand me?"
Of course I didn't then, but now it all makes perfect sense.
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