Several months ago Arbogast on Film began the series The One You Might Have Saved, which was picked up by several blogs and became kind of an unplanned, ongoing blogathon. In salute to both the series and October Kill Fest Month here at Cinema Styles I'd like to turn it around and do a post on The One You Might Have Killed. This idea was already hinted at early on by The Dreaded Rhubarb in his response to Arbo in which he saved one and killed one. I'd like to start this one the same way before freefalling into a well of killing mania.
In honor of Arbo, I'd definitely save Private Detective Milton Arbogast (Martin Balsam) and kill Sam Loomis (John Gavin). See, I'd have Detective Arbogast poke around the Bates Motel and 
then head out. As far as the audience knows, he gave up. Then Lila Crane (Vera Miles) and Sam show up and do their snooping. Lila snoops around the house, finds nothing, and heads back to the motel. There she finds Sam has been knocked out by Norman and revives him. Sam tells her to stay put while he checks out the house. He soon arrives at the house and makes his way up the stairs, just like our disappearing detective did in a former life. When Sam gets to the top - BAM! Mama Bates comes out and slashes Sam down the stairs where he tumbles to the floor, prostrate as Mama kneels over him and finishes the job.
Lila's getting worried. What's taking Sam so long? She goes to the house but no one's there. Mama Bates has already moved the body. Lila now goes to the basement, the one place she hadn't gone before. She sees Mama Bates in the rocking chair. She approaches, spins it around only to reveal - Ahhhhhhh!!!!! It's a withered corpse!!!!!! And now through the door comes Mama Bates, only it's Norman Bates in women's clothes. Oh no!!! She's surely dead now ...
until...
Arbogast runs through the door (God bless him, he didn't give up after all!), grabs Norman and wrestles him to the ground. Psychiatrist mumbo jumbo, blah, blah, blah, the end.
So there's my One I Would Have Saved and One I Would Have Killed. Now let's get into the meat of the post: The One You Might Have Killed.
*Wargames, Malvin (Eddie Deezen). Nothing against the actor personally, but in the movie, the second he starts going on about how much he knows about computers - BOOM! - I'd have a mainframe fall on his head. Sure it'd be a little jarring to the plot momentarily but I assure you, the story would recover in seconds.
*Gone With The Wind, Ashley Wilkes (Leslie Howard). Just 'cause.
*Deathtrap, Helga Ten Dorp (Irene Worth). One of the most annoying characters in movie history. Shortly after she's shows up and starts blathering on about the bad omens she's getting, I'd have Michael Caine grab the chopping block and crush her skull. Throw the whole plot out of whack you say? Trust me, losing her character could only make it better.
*The Goodbye Girl, Entire Lead Cast. I don't know, just feels right.
*West Side Story, Maria (Natalie Wood). Hey, Juliet dies. Why's Maria get to live?
*Dances With Wolves, John Dunbar (Kevin Costner). I'd have him killed in that opening Civil War scene. But then there wouldn't be a movie you say. Exactly.
*Any movie that has ever starred Danny Kaye, Danny Kaye's character. His character dies in the first scene, every time.
*The Lion King, Simba (Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Matthew Broderick). Can't we just make the movie about Scar?
*My Dinner with Andre, Andre Gregory. If only to make him shut up.
*Rocky, the annoying guy who drives Gazzo around that's always giving Rocky a hard time. Screw you pal, you're gone! I'd have Rocky go all berserker on him, mash his face into pulp and dump his body off the pier. Gazzo's like, "Hey where's my driver?" and Rocky's all like, "I don't know. I think he went for a drink."
So there are my top ten choices. I left some off for one reason or another (Jar Jar Binks - Too easy) and some I wanted you to come up with. I don't want to steal them all. So let me know - Who are the Ones You Might Have Killed?
96 comments:
In CHUD, I would have killed Daniel Stern. Lousy hippie.
Why is that the only one I can think of? Why am I drawing a blank on movies??
They'll come to you, fear not. But since you mention Daniel Stern, I'd kill the two leads of Key Exchange, Brooke Adams and whoever the guy was. Stern was the "best friend" and wasn't as annoying. Perhaps to save everyone some grief I should just kill the script before its publication.
I've never even heard of Key Exchange. Since you seem to like it so much, I guess I'll add 'er to the queue.
By the way, that's the banner your wife found disturbing, isn't it?
No, the banner my wife found offensive involves a graphic sexual act. But oddly, not offensive because of the picture, but because of the tagline I chose. I'll put it up tomorrow and see if anyone else has a problem. I mean, she wasn't like, "How dare you!" or anything, she just thinks it's a little tasteless, which I suppose it is but hey, it's October Kill Fest, what the hell.
Graphic sex?? Sweet! Although, since I'll be at work, I guess you won't be hearing from me until I get home.
Well it's just a banner after all, it's not like you'll be watching a porn film or anything. And it's nothing really. You don't even see anything.
Harold and Maude, much sooner than she went. This has to have been the most annoying couple in film history.
Everyone but Gordon Clapp in Return of the Secaucus Seven. Damn hippies.
Susan Sarandon in Bull Durham, the slut!
Jimmy Durante in "The Man who Came to Dinner" - just to shut him up.
Lesley Ann Warren in "Victor Victoria" - I've never understood why she got the Oscar nod for this. She drove me nuts.
I'm sure I'll think of others....
Marilyn - Harold and Maude is an easy fix. You just have the first fake suicide that opens the movie be a real one then he never even meets Maude. It becomes a disturbing short film about a mother discovering her dead son. The end.
I haven't seen Return of the Secaucus Seven in so long I can't remember which one Gordon Clap is but I'll gladly slay them all just to be safe.
And you sure there's no one else in Bull Durham you want to kill? Cause I'm happy to do it.
Jimmy Durante? Inka Dink Done!
Leslie Ann Warren I thought was pretty good in that, although on the whole I don't care for the movie. But here's what I'll do: When she's walking to the train, she falls in front of it just as it's taking off. Now she's Leslie Anna Karenina Warren.
I'd have the entire character roster of Rent die (Rosario Dawson twice), leaving lower Manhattan sweetly silent and then all those hippie lofts they were keeping for themselves (you know, to do their art in) could be converted to low income housing.
I'd save the little baby in Razorback.
The other guy in Key Exchange was Ben Masters, who had a big role in Mandingo and costarred in a TV show I used to watch as a teenager, Mugsy, shot in Bridgeport, CT, with a theme song by Blood Sweat and Tears.
Hmmm... there seems to be a bloodlust for Hippies.
Bill R. - Lousy hippie.
Marilyn - Damn hippies.
Arbogast - then all those hippie lofts they were keeping for themselves (you know, to do their art in) could be converted to low income housing.
Maybe I should rename this Cinema Styles October Hippie Kill Fest Month.
Arbo, I didn't feel like looking him up but thanks for filling me in. I've never heard of Mugsy and I was certainly watching tv then. Maybe it ran opposite James at 15 and didn't get enough attention as a result.
Anybody remember Run Joe Run? I bet Joe, the german shepherd in the show, would gladly assist with killing hippies. He seemed like a straight shooter.
I would definitely kill Mrs. Robinson. She stood in the way of true, young love between Benjamin and Elaine, and then she tried to corrupt it after the fact. A true predator.
Now, for the rest of her life, Elaine will hold over Benjamin's head the fact that he boinked her mother.
Marilyn-
Bless you, bless you! I have finally found a partner that can share my annoyance with Harold and Maude. Young people continue to hold this up as some masterpiece of offbeat humor and love. (I much prefer Bud Cort in Brewster McCloud.)
Fox and Marilyn, 4 EVA!
Now, for the rest of her life, Elaine will hold over Benjamin's head the fact that he boinked her mother.
You know that had to spoil the marriage. I mean, no matter how much you tell yourself, "Oh it's in the past, he was young and stupid," occasionally it slaps you in the face, "Wait a minute! He screwed my mom!"
I remember Joe, the hippie-hating premature ejaculator and his hunt for love-bead ladies. That was a good hippie-killing movie.
Gordon Clapp stays alive because he's a Republican and he's hung like a horse.
Actually, Kevin Costner and Tim Robbins were pretty bad in Bull Durham. Kill 'em all!
Could we machine-gun all the dancers as they stand at the edge of the stage in A Chorus Line. Whine, whine, whine.
William Hurt in anything but Gorky Park, the only film in which his supersiliousness works.
PS--Hubby will kill ME because he is a real hippie. Argghh.
SIDENOTE to Arbo:
Is Razorback available on DVD/VHS anywhere? It's not on Netflix, and most of the local video stores I've scoured have been zilch-o-rino.
I really wanna see this movie!
p.s. I would like to add that I would do Mrs. Robinson in the way Martin Landau did Angelica Huston in Crimes and Misdemeanors.
And yes, I would have the existential guilt afterwards, and yes, someone like Woody would help wipe that guilt away one night as we sit on a piano bench together.
THIS IS GREAT FUN, JONATHAN!
I'd say Hurt's strange, bizarre, off-center style of acting works in Altered States as well. But am I the only one who didn't buy him for a second as a news anchor in Broadcast News? His cadence was completely wrong and he came off as far too introspective even as he was playing a dolt. Really, someone with his delivery would never be put at the anchor desk. Ever!
And god how I hate A Chorus Line! That is one singular sensation I hope never to witness again. Oh and that faux funny song "I Felt Nothing" - wretched!
I remember Joe, the hippie-hating premature ejaculator and his hunt for love-bead ladies. That was a good hippie-killing movie.
Gordon Clapp stays alive because he's a Republican and he's hung like a horse.
.... (FROZEN STARE ON MY FACE) ...
Oh, and Joe. That's one of those early cable days nostalgia movies for me. TBS must've run that thing three times a week. I love Peter Boyle in it.
Fox, so you would have your way with Mrs. Robinson then have your brother arrange her murder? She's too sharp for that, and cunning. Odds are your brother's hitman would be the one that ended up dead.
Actually, re: "Chorus Line," the one person who really should be killed for that atrocity is Richard Attenborough. He should have been knocked off before the cameras ever started rolling - maybe stomped to death by a whole line of chorus dancers in deadly tap shoes.
Jonathan, I am with you on Hurt in Broadcast News, and really with the three leads in that film in general.
In honsety, I kinda find that film to be a guilty pleasure, and at times Albert Brooks is huggable, ... but really I find them all incredibly annoying and it just gets worse as the film ages and ages.
He [Richard Attenborough] should have been knocked off before the cameras ever started rolling - maybe stomped to death by a whole line of chorus dancers in deadly tap shoes.
Kind of like Revenge of the Stepford Wives.
And Attenborough is the original Man with the Leaden Touch. Lordy, his movies are uninteresting to watch. His style would seem stiff in 1912.
Marilyn is saying things that surprise me.
Anyway, I like Broadcast News, and I like William Hurt more than everybody else here seems to, but he was sort of miscast in that movie. He doesn't really give off a "dolt" vibe.
Even though I have a crush on her, I would have killed Bridget Fonda in Jackie Brown if De Niro didn't beat me to it.
Now, now, I'm still the same Marilyn. But I was having fun with the hippie hating--it's fun to pretend I'm Stephen Colbert. Joe actually scared the bejesus out of me. But the hippie girl did say, "Making love is not the 50-yard dash." Remember it as clear as day.
And I really don't know about Gordon Clapp - that's just what the girls said during the skinny dipping scene about why their liberal friend would date a Republican.
For the record Bill, I do love William Hurt in most things. I think he's great... I think it's the James Brooks material in Broadcast News that made me dislike him in that one particular film.
Well, Marilyn, I am the resident conservative around here, so I thought for a second there I had a teammate. Except I've been to your site, and read your comments, so I was very confused.
PS - I'll be off-line for the next several hours, because all the toilets in the courthouse I work in have shut down and/or exploded. So, catch you all later.
Fox - I guess we have to part company, and we were doing so well with Harold & Maude. I really don't like William Hurt. He always looks so smug, so I-know-what's-best alpha male, just like his character in Children of a Lesser God. I heard in real life that he beat up Marlee Matlin, his then girlfriend.
Oh... this might kinda move out-of-bounds here in the rules Jonathan set up for us, but I would kill Charlize Theron in Monster b/c it's certainly one of the most irrtating performances in recent memory. It was made even more so when she won an Oscar for it, and Ebert called it "one of the greatest performances in the history of the cinema."
If it isn't already, Monster will go down as one of those films people rent to quote and laugh at at parties b/c it's so terrible.
Bill - Yuck!
If it helps, I'm a fiscal conservative.
PS - I'll be off-line for the next several hours, because all the toilets in the courthouse I work in have shut down and/or exploded. So, catch you all later.
Wow, Bill. That leaves a lot of questions hanging around that you won't be able to answer now...
Fox I was just thinking the same thing. Toilets down and/or explode. Courthouse evacuates. Must look that up online as I'm fairly local to where Bill is.
And I'm with Marilyn on William Hurt. I've never liked him. He may be a fine actor, he may be a great guy (or not) but his style irritates me and always has. He can't seem to deliver a single line without it being utterly affected. As the weirdo obsessed (and self-obsessed) scientist in Altered States this worked for me. But rarely anywhere else.
I thought Monster had moments -- mostly involving Scott Wilson -- but I agree that Theron's buck-toothed performance was ridiculous. The scene where she rides her bike off angrily from the job interview... pure hilarity!
I absolutely adore Scott Wilson, and I just saw him again in his feature debut, In the Heat of the Night. Boy, was he young! (Weren't we all)
Scott Wilson has one of the most heartbreaking lines in all of cinema history, in Castle Keep, where his character, wounded, dying, wanders the castle looking for his fallen comrades.
"Where are my buddies?"
Although I found the line haunting when I saw the film in the 70s, it took on added weight in the days after 9/11.
btw, Arbo, your Monster inspired banner on your site cracks the crap out of me. It's one of those things that I wish I had thought of first!
Now this is what I'm talking about.
Well done orlok Lapper.
But Danny Kaye? Why ya gots to hate on Kaye?
Here are a couple more.
Jon Heder - Faster Pussycat, Kill! Kill!
The little girl from Dune who was Paul's sister. "For he is the quizats hatarat" or something like that. Halfway through that statement, a knife should have come flying through the air. Bam right between the eyes.
The entire crew of Crash. All of them. And then I would never have had to listen to it get Best Picture.
And like bill r. I feel as if I should have way more but my hatred has blinded me. I'm drawing a hate blank.
They should do a movie about Robert Altman in his later years and cast Scott Wilson.
Marilyn, I was watching that too. I take you were watching In the Heat of the Night on TCM recently.
EVIL CLOWN - And like bill r. I feel as if I should have way more but my hatred has blinded me. I'm drawing a hate blank.
You're drawing a blank because you're good side is resisting. Give in. If only you knew the power of the Dark Side...
I loved the little girl in Dune somehow killing whole bunches of enemies even though she only came up to their kneecaps. (And Alicia Witt played her, and I'm a fan of hers.)
Yes, on TCM. Actually, the movie doesn't hold up that well. I was surprised.
oh Oh OH! I just had a EUREKA! kill moment.
I wanna kill the f*ck out of Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovitch. Oh man... OH MAN!
(And Alicia Witt played her, and I'm a fan of hers.)
Marilyn-
You should watch 88 Minutes and see if that still holds true.
I would kill the entire cast of Babel, beginning with Brad Pitt and working my way down. Yes, even Cate Blanchett. Why she can't spell her name like any other self-respecting person is beyond me. It annoys the crap outta me.
Arbo, your Monster inspired banner on your site cracks the crap out of me. It's one of those things that I wish I had thought of first!
That was a gift from and entirely a creation of our friends at Kindertrauma. I lack even the most basic Photoshop skills or I'd have crafted a banner for my "31 Screams." Which someone could do for me, you know, as a gesture of friendship, if one wanted to.
Whoah!
Hold up. The hatred is blinding people.
William Hurt in Broadcast News?
How about William Hurt in Altered States.
Julia Roberts in Erin Brokavich?
How about Julia Roberts in about everything else.
I'll add some usual suspects.
Michael Bay
Brett Ratner
Meg Ryan whenever she does a pratfall which is in about every movie.
Diane Keaton for her last dozen or so movie choices.
Angela Landsbury in Murder She Wrote. In the opening of that show, there was always a clip of her head on the pillow. She gets up just in time to dodge a bullet. I always pictured me holding her head down so that the bullet would hit her.
Okay, I feel dirty now.
Bill-
I think Marilyn was saying "YUCK!" to your exploding toilets not your politics... or maybe she was, but I don't think she was. I mean she is a Commie after all.
Evil Clown-
I mentioned this last week when you brought up your favorite band Heart(!!), but you sure are sensitive for an evil dude. And, even though we are pals, I really think we oughta fight for dissing Diane Keaton like that!
Hey, I'm back! Although I feel like I shouldn't be.
First, when I said "exploded", I was exaggerating...sort of. I didn't see what was happening, but basically the ground floor of my end of the courthouse is flooded. With human waste! For a while there, I thought this whole joint was going to be shut down, but it hasn't been. I'm not sure why they didn't, but I stayed out of the building for a while.
Right now, parts of the building smell like the monkey-house at the zoo, but I believe all the important health organizations have been consulted, so...
Marilyn - If it helps you any, I'm a moderate conservative. Next to the people I meet on film blogs, though, that makes me Richard Nixon.
PS - That deleted comment is me. I realized I misunderstood what Marilyn's "yuck" referred to. I'm so sensitive these days!
oops.. what happened to the comment I was commenting on? That now makes my comment kind of non-existent, like Marty McFly's parents disappearing in that picture in Back To The Future!
Bill! Where did you go!?!?
How big is Orlok Lappers head right now? Good Lord, 51 comments and it's only 1:15 in the afternoon.
Don't you people have jobs?
As an Evil Clown I have no job other than to think about how I'm going to be more evil.
Fox,
You want to defend Diane Keaton in Something's Gotta Give? Because I Said So? Hanging Up? The Other Sister?
If so, be my guest.
Look above you, Fox.
If it helps you any, I'm a moderate conservative. Next to the people I meet on film blogs, though, that makes me Richard Nixon.
Nixon signed title 9, the EPA and appointed Harry Blackmun. Sure he was a crook but by today's standards he was pretty liberal. I've always considered Nixon and Clinton to occupy the same nebulous inter-party region, where the opposite party hates them but their actual politics are so all over the map and self-serving that they really don't belong to either.
So for what it's worth, I don't give a damn what your politics are Bill. And after this comment I'll not bring up politics again. I was just amused at the Nixon comparison that's all.
Fine, Capt. Corrects-a-Lot. Ann Coulter. Is that better?
Evil Clown, my head is the same size it's always been: 3,293 inches in circumference. They have to modify the doors here at work so I can go in and out. But seriously, go to the big blogs and you'll get 50 to 100 comments from 50 to 100 people. Even though we joke about the comment count here at times, we all know it's just a handful of actual commenters conversing back and forth, which has always made me feel good about it. We're like a group of good friends discussing random topics and making jokes. And of course, you're always welcome to join in the fun. I don't think I've ever had a post where more than 15 different people commented.
Captain Corrects-a-Lot, hmmm? I may have a new moniker for tomorrow! Thanks Bill!
Don't worry about me Orlok, I can quit you whenever I want.
Just one more hit, man. That's all I need. Just... one... more.
Actually, you couldn't be more correct. It's a good thing you got here.
Oh jeez, there I go being nice. Now I'll have to double my kill quota today to make up for it.
But Evil, you are judging Keaton for the movies she picks, not the performances she gives in said movies.
Out of the ones you mentioned I've only seen Because I Said So, and while I don't think it's a great or even good performance, I think it's fine.
But I do think she is good to great in The Family Stone, Mama's Boy, and especially Mad Money.
Damn, I just told you, EC! And I do have a job, but what would would work be w/o balancing productivity with blog appearances? It kinda makes the 9-6 day an adventure, yes?
Michelle Malkin.
Don't you people have jobs?
Know-It-All is a volunteer position for which I receive no compensation other than the satisfaction of busting heads and being 100% correct-a-mundo 24/7/365(6).
I said no more politics but just one last entry from Captain Corrects-a-Lot. Malkin is at least a sincere extremist for the extreme hard right. Coulter on the other hand is a clown.
And Bill - I don't think anyone thinks you're an extremist because you call yourself a moderate conservative. At least no intelligent person.
And just to round out the conversation: Sarah Silverman is a pig.
I take it on faith that any movie appearance by Silverman would be a character Marilyn would want killed.
Fox,
She was pretty damn terrible in Something's Gotta Give.
Why ya gotta bring The Family Stone into this. I shouldn't have liked that movie, but I did.
Oh, here we go. I'm like Winter in Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town. I'm melting into a nice person.
Arbo even managed to get the leap year in there parenthetically. I guess he does know it all! And here I was relying on Clarissa to explain it all to me. Damn fool Lapper.
Evil Clown - Does whatever you touch turn to snow in your clutch? You're too much.
Boobies.
Oh, sorry, I thought we were throwing out our catchphrases.
Orlok, I didn't really think anyone thought I was an extremist, at least not around here, but I've gotten yelled at on other movie blogs before. Really, though, I was just making a joke.
No, no, I know you were making a joke. But seriously, you've been yelled at (I'm assuming all caps) other movie blogs? Really? Don't answer that. I going to get back to characters I want to kill because I thought of another: Chris Tucker. Pretty much in anything but absolutely and without a doubt in The Fifth Element - I despised him in that! I mean really, actual palpable vitriolic bile boiled up in me as I watched his scenes.
Does whatever you touch turn to snow in your clutch? You're too much.
Lapper is my favorite writer of verse. Is there anything this man CAN'T do!?!
Pat Buchanan.
Bill-
If we want to dethrone Evil Clown as the #1 Dog House holder, we should start throwing out juvenile sex-type words along with political pundit names!
Don't make me ban your I.P. Fox.
Am I the only one who hates Chris Tucker?
No, I hated him in The Fifth Element as well. I think the only other movie I've seen him in is Jackie Brown, and while I can't say I really liked him, his performance seemed correct for the part.
Yeah, I've been yelled at. I won't get into details, but I will say that I have a feeling you would have been on my side.
I don't hate him, but I hated him in The Fifth Element, that's for sure!
I hate Chris Tucker.
In The Fifth Element, I don't get how his character attracts the girls.
Maybe if Evil Clown were a bit more effeminate, he could land the ladies.
Seriously, that performance in The Fifth Element has to be one of the most annoying of all time. But Gary Oldman entertained the living hell out of me. He always does.
Gary Oldman in The Professional.
Oldman: Bring me everyone.
Cop: Everyone?
Oldman: EVERYONE!
Did I mention that I'm a heart surgeon and there are people dying on the slab in the next room because I'm in my office on the computer.
You know, I've never seen The Professional. I hated The Fifth Element so completely that I can't imagine anything good coming from that filmmaker.
I liked The Fifth Element. It's a mess, but I liked it.
The Professional is good stuff.
And La Femme Nikita.
Well trust me Bill, Evil Clown Pat's all caps for Gary Oldman's EVERYONE line does not even begin to truly capture just how over the top Oldman yells EVERYONE. Not even close, you have to see it to believe it.
And Evil Clown, I've seen your profile. You're no heart surgeon, but I do think of you every time I see a Sonic ad now. I think, "Hey, I know who did this!"
Who's Chris Tucker? Now Forrest Tucker, you can take him, tie him to a bucket, and sink him. And can't we do anything about Keira Knightley. I'm not suggested that she die, but rather that someone wire her jaw so her mouth doesn't hang open throughout an entire movie. God, I HATE THAT!
Sarah Silverman is indeed a pig who deserved to be stuck.
Maureen Dowd.
Ewww wee! Some good comments to comment on here.
Bill-
Give Besson a second chance someday. Lapper is SOOO right that Tucker's perfomance in The Fifth Element might be the most annoying one of all time, and I honestly can't speak for The Fifth Element as a film b/c it's been so long, but I think The Professional is great and Angel-A is pretty darn good.
I remember having at least a 30 minute discussion one time over the pill-popping/crack-neck of Oldman in The Professional. I thought it was just a touch that Oldman through in there for color, but my friend thought it was annoying and pointless.
Evil Clown Pat does ads for Sonic??? Damn, dude, hook me up with some free coney coupons!
I've always kinda wanted to boink Maureen Dowd. I have a weird thing for buttoned-up columnists (exception: Helen Thomas - she's not actually a human I don't think).
Forrest Tucker? Next you'll be telling me you don't like Ken Berry.
Maureen Dowd is a pig.
Evil Clown Pat does ads for Sonic??? Damn, dude, hook me up with some free coney coupons!
Am I the only one who likes to discover who my online blogger friends are? Am I the only one who cares enough? Am I the only one who hires detective agencies and taps phone lines and... uh... ignore that last part.
Leave Helen Thomas (and Brittany) alone!
I guess if you must like raving lunatics who have gone off their meds, Fox, Maureen Dowd's your gal.
I'd like to see Ken Berry impaled on that flagpole at the beginning of F Troop.
You know, this is the second time today that someone on a blog (sorry, Jonathan... I've been visiting other blogs!) has mentioned "Fox" (ie ME) and meds in the same sentence.
You guys don't think I come off as unstable at times, do you???
DO YOU??!?!
This thread is getting ugly Mr. Lapper! You've opened up the door for all kinds of bile to come spilling in so I'll add to the vomit fest myself.
Forrest Gump - If I had my way, Forrest would have never survived Vietnam.
Truth or Dare - I'd have Madonna die because it's a doc and that means if she died then I wouldn't have to endure her, her films and her music ever again. She also wouldn't have been able to destroy Guy Richie's film career.
Die Hard - Bruce Willis would have been killed in the first movie so we'd all be spared Die Hard 2-5.
Pretty Woman - My version would have been a sort of semi-sequel to American Gigolo with Richard Gere turning the tables on Julia Roberts. Unfortunately for Roberts things get ugly when she discovers much too late that her rich "john" is really an ex-gigolo and a murderous psychopath. He drowns her in a memorable bubble bath sequence.
I better stop now because I'm having too much fun and I'm bound to offend someone.
There are so many ways to kill off Forrest. Maybe he could be caught and beaten to death by the bullies in the beginning.
Die Hard might have actually been better if Willis did die at the end, sacrificing himself for his ex-wife or something. Let's re-shoot it.
And Pretty Woman. May I say your take on the plot is unimprovable. That movie I might actually want to see.
No free Sonic until you sit on my lap. Them's the rules.
I just thought of one more.
Shia LaBoeuf or however the hell he spells that name.
That guy has one speed and it's too fast and too defensive.
I like your version of Forrest Gump better than mine, Lapper!
I also just noticed I spelled Guy Ritchie's name wrong. And last but not least, I thought of another kill I'd like to see.
Phone Booth - He of the constant furrowed brow (Colin "I have no charisma" Farrell) never gets into that damn phone booth. The sniper shoots him while he's walking down the street. The rest of the film consists of Forest "I have lots of charisma" Whitaker searching for the sniper without Farrell stinking up the movie.
I'd probably kill everyone in every Uwe Boll film I've seen, especially the entire cast of House of the Dead and Tara Reid in Afraid of the Dark. (Hey, they were on cable and there was nothing else more interesting.)
I just realized that nothing - not even Colin Farrell's death - could probably make Phone Booth better. Poor, poor Forest. Stuck in such a crap film. I want those two tedious hours back Damnit!!!!
No free Sonic until you sit on my lap. Them's the rules.
Well then, no free Sonic for me. Thanks anyway.
(Hey, they were on cable and there was nothing else more interesting.)
I've heard it all before Hellhaus. It's no excuse for watc... excuse me, I gotta go. The Secret of My Success with Michael J. Fox is on!
Ah come on.
It's a warm lap and I'm wearing lots of bright, pretty colors. You could get lost in my lap.
And by the way, it goes without saying of course, but your banners are excellent. And the Mounting one especially so.
Countess, I never saw Phone Booth. That's nothing new of course, there are so many new films that take me years to get around to. What surprised me was... I've never even heard of it until now. I like to think even if I don't see them I know of them. Maybe I was aware of this when it came out and didn't see it and then as a couple of years went by with no one else mentioning it I just completely forgot about it.
And now of course I have no reason to see it. This post has been very helpful to me in knowing what to avoid. Thanks!
You could get lost in my lap.
Well there goes a good night's sleep for me tonight. Thanks!
I second the proposals of Ashley Wilkes and Danny Kaye: were the gossip about Olivier and Kaye true (as I healthily tend to doubt "tell all" biographies), it's obvious that Larry had poor taste... I mean, I'm an hetero girl, but i'll choose vivien over Danny anytime.
Hum, I'd kill Max de Winter anytime as well: what a boiled fish... no wonder Rebeca looked for fun with Sandy and Cousin Jack (incidentally, I've always been pretty surprised about the Hitchcock remark that he would have liked to have Olivier instead of Gregory Peck to play in "The Paradine Case"... I mean, is Peck's barrister really worse than Olivier's Max de Winter?)
And Steve MCQueen, when he goes showing off with the motorbike (and anyway, who would imagine a film nazi screaming "shoot at de veels! Shoot at the veels!"?)
I found this by chance but will be back. There are some very interesting comments here. I must take exception to the Chris Tucker comments, The Fifth Element is an over the top film and Mr. Tuckers performance is the cherry on top. Is it just me or was Gary Oldman mocking Val Kilmer as Wyatt Earp?
As a death nomination how about Bill Paxton forever and always.
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